Sometimes the Lord sets the solitary in families...

Sometimes He sets them in the lion's den...

Being sick is more than just the physical ailments...It is an emotional, financial, relational, and spiritual malady. It involves the whole person. It involves the entire immediate family, the extended family.....And more. 

Dare I say to the end of the world...

The influence of one man to touch a life, 

that in turn touches another life, 

b/c His life was touched; for good or bad.

Aside from dealing with physical ailments and one's own thought process, one is inundated with other people's responses and reactions to the circumstances or health issues at hand.

Everything you thought you knew comes into question...

Everyone you thought you knew comes to question...

Some are kind, 

wanting to build, 
wanting to help...

They are willing to roll up their sleeves and get dirty. 

They pray, encourage, clean house prepare meals, e-mail, call, fill our refrigerator with food, listen, councel, recommend books, research, keep me warm, wash us in the word, laugh with us, give my husband work.  

They have spent their time, 
their money, 
their resources to help us.  

They have shared their own heavy loads, 

and we have celebrated victories large and small together.

One woman of grace, tattoo'd my name upon her arm with a sharpie. She has eight children but did not want to forget to uphold me. 

Their prayers have fed me,

enabled me to eat,

                  to sleep

have led me away from fears...

have prepared me for battle...

have helped me in battle...

Living sacrifices; 

they treat me as a friend, 

they know me as friend. 

Some tell me that they themselves would not have gotten through their own hard without me. They extend their love across miles.

I am humbled. I am full, I am thankful. 

God uses them to lift my countenance. I carry on.

All life,

All good,

is coupled with death and the hard...Spring time and winter...Seed time and harvest...

 The Man of Sorrows nailed to a tree by those He came to save....

Others come too,

to bite and devour...

They assess, they assume.  

Conclusions are formed from what they can see. 

Limited vision neglects the unseen. 

They hurl muddy opinions...

They have never called me friend and yet they will not release me. They choke, they hate.

Hate seems like a strong word...

The truth is, 

there is only the two modes of operation. 

Motions stem from love, something outside our scope of strength, 

or 

Motion stems from self...Self can look like love, but mostly it spews forth hate.

Sometimes I think they would be happy to know I have something fatal...

They pity the day my husband married me...

They think my family would be better without me. 

They see no value in me or this suffering.

Empathy and pity are not the same...

Empathy lends compassion, pity makes victims.  

I am no victim, 

my husband is no victim, 

my children are not victims!

I do not have cancer, they are my cancer. 

A part of getting through this, is love.
To be washed and renewed in God's love for me.  
A gift given so that it may be shared.

Ephesian 6:12

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places”

The enemy would have me wrestle with flesh and blood...

Initially, in the recesses of my heart I claw and tear at them. 

I beg my husband to defend me from them. 

I want to vindicate myself and out their position of cruelty. 

I want them to feel the shame they heap on me. 

I languish, I resist. 

I want to erase them from my life, but I am married to them.

You could walk away from a stranger inflicting pain, you could...

BUT, You cannot resist those you are bound to...

I believe God allows it to happen in families. 

He knows anywhere else, 

anyone else,

and we would sever the ties that bind, 

to think no more of our offender.


To sever ties is to cut off grace...
It hurts everyone...

When you just can't run from it because it is the wrong thing to do, you let God exercise you in it...

You trust Him in the lions den.

The kindness of God leads men to repentance...I have needed kindness of my own. 
I must show the same kindness, all is grace...

The truth is, the gnashing of teeth, the boiling, and spilling of our own emotions...

God can redeem..

What the enemy intended for evil, 

God redeems for my good. 

Not just "my" good...this is for others too...

As I respond in love, 
His love, by giveing up my own rights, my own life force in exchange for His... 

The life is in the blood...

He took on accusation, betrayal, hate, so can I.
My life is hid with Christ in God.

I have learned many solidifying, valuable lessons from puncture wounds. 

These lessons go deeper to validate the power of God than a life of ease. 

It is easy to love and be loved by the lovely but throw offenses into the mix.. 

There isn't enough strength within a man to respond properly. 

It is a God size problem with a God size solution...

The scenario where He gets the glory
and we get the much needed heart transplant we desire...

I want justice.

I wanted justice...

There is something about my current position, face down in the dirt, that makes me ashamed to have ever climbed upon a pedestal and issued judgement upon anyone or any situation with my limited human reasoning....

This daily consumption of dust, 

this daily knowledge of what I am capable of; my reminder that things are not always what they seem...

It makes me slow.

Slow to judge.

It births compassion...

Just when I feel my hands clench hard upon a throwing stone I am reminded of my potential to be careless and unloving with others either purposefully, or unknowingly... I SLOWLY loose my “entitled” grip on retaliation, self pity, and vindication.

I am in continued need of Grace...And I want to be gracious.

Its the in between process,

where the refiners fire blazes white hot. 

White hot so my desires and actions line up with love, 
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, 
matured love.

I believe God gives us discernment. It is what we do with what we think we know that matters. Do we lurk in darkness spreading snares and secretly delighting and hating those in misfortune...or do we look to build the waste places.  We have forgotten our own desolation and need for grace.

Reconciliation. Restoration.

Galatians 6:5

Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ

For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

But let each one examine his own work, and then he will have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.

For each one shall bear his own load.

I am told that I am "defended all the time." I didn't know I was in need of defense...
I have been sick... 

What is the trespass I am accused of? And If so, where is the restoration?

Consider how you do this or beware of your own temptation.

We are, to the best of our ability to help carry, not add to anothers load...

What if, like Joseph God has sent me to prepare the road ahead of others.  A road paved in kindness and mercy...Available grace for their time of need.

It is not easy to do the right thing, but it is good to be blameless...I am unharmed in the lions den and I have fellowship with God in the presence of my enemies...No anger, no roots of bitterness to defile others, no victim here!

Yeah God!