I was afraid to get up this morning
afraid to spend the energy
I overdid it yesterday.
Funny what fear makes us do.
Yesterday I was afraid to wait...afraid to be patient and watch God reveal the right timing.
I rested early because my boys were getting out of school at noon...
Preparing myself to be the best for them.
Preparing to willingly give parts of me to them.
We talk, they tell me stories of their day.
We laugh, We remember.
They willingly, cheerfully help me prepare food in the kitchen.
Cheerful because we are enjoying one another.
Cheerful because they know they are giving to me;
They bless and fulfill, the bridge the gap of my deep deficit of energy.
They are my hands and feet.
Slowing down...Man comes home...
I have to ask...I hate having to ask...Just know
Can you? Will you?
Here comes the fear...
More than I can do alone...you are slow and my energy is on a schedule...
three days, like it's an eternity...
Three days of missed opportunities and me pretending to wait patiently...
energy is on a declining schedule...
I need a few things.
I grab a trustworthy cheerful boy..I wink at him
he wants to help..
we go we two. Him with list in hand and a pen to mark off the collected.
We make haste. He is swift, smart and helpful.
Finished we head for home.
All is as we left it...boys not alone, but unattended
Boys bring in groceries. I put away. Man lifts me from the floor.
Quiet voice...strength fading...
Learner can barely learn, his own thoughts too loud..
I teach him anyway... How to make pancakes from the batter he made...
It takes time, it all takes time. Patience takes time.
I am running out of time.
I sit in closet to restore. I read, I pray, I praise.
I don't want to miss out, I want to share praise and gratitude with the boy that just made supper.
I come out...It is too soon...I make myself stay...
I give thanks and excuse myself..
Sickness, misery, fatigue, fear
it extends into the night, surprisingly well into the night.
It lasts longer than it should considering weakness.
Man puts on praise music for me so I won't fixate on pain.
He seemed glad to do it even though I woke him.
He works to keep his body as far from mine as possible. All movement and jostling is too much right now.
He offers to leave but I want him near. His snoring, even through my earplugs are signs of life...
the yucky sloshes it's way through my dreams...
I awake, afraid to get up,
afraid to spend an ounce of energy.
I don't want to that again.
My days are spent trying to prevent the crash.
I hear squabbling boys...my door is left open. I am afraid Man is gone.
Gone without ever hearing the kids need for presence.
Gone without taking my place in the kitchen.
I get up, make my way to the kitchen..
I speak harsh words to his back...He is on the computer...I tell him he is an infidel
An infidel; someone who does not acknowledge God.
I suppose I am one too, regularly.
It doesn't make me feel better, it wastes energy.
He makes breakfast under pressure.
I read a portion of scripture to the boys...Rainen finishes...
We pray. I apologize to them for dishonoring their father.
We are responsible for our reactions.
The Man and I talk later. I tell him I am sorry for the dishonor and that I apologized to boys.
Seventy times seven for us both..forgiving and asking forgiveness
I love him
I want to change him. NOT my job
I Want to change me. Can't...still not really my job...
God in me continues to work in me to Will and to Do His good.
I continue to participate in the process of being right with God and man.
Responding, not reacting.
Peace and tears.
Be anxious for nothing.
I am promised that peace, like a warrior will guard my heart and mind in Christ Jesus!
I need that.
I am wishing now that I would have just waited longer for the Man to help me get groceries.
Life is never good when I take it by the throat, try to speed it up.