My heart's desire is to serve my God for His glory, the good of others, and for my own health. I keep hearing the saying that God does not work out of a vacuum. I don't want to be a spiritual suck; sucking from others or feeding off God without having a place to give back.
My service and view of service is being purified. I have a finite view of how service should manifest itself. The current uncovering of my motives reveal that I want everyone, self included, to feel good about it. My inability to serve in the capacity that I think is “worthy” has me feeling like I am in sin. It has been a unique battle to be separated from service by what I perceive as inability. The lack of desire, which I assume is related to my energy level makes me more than sluggish to maintain and service relationships. This seems selfish, uncaring and ugly.
My former self (before debilitating sickness) serves as a partial memory of how I want to use the gifts God has given me. The faint hankering to be involved with others for now, is a mirage that keeps appearing to me in the desert. It keeps reminding me to steward well this life I have been given because my suffering will not be wasted. I want to be a blessing to others. I feel like service is a road away from self focusedness. My ability to live that right now is frail, and seemingly out of reach...I know there is a season for everything but I don't want a habit of excluding people. I want to serve others when I don't feel like it. The line is blurry between not feeling like it verses not feeling up to it.
Perhaps this is it...you know, "not being encumbered about much serving." My focus has been busy. Busy doing what I can, busy thinking about doing, busy feeling guilty for not doing. Again, I am not to find my significance in doing but rather as a being at His feet, My apprenticeship, my preparation.
Oh Lord, don't let me miss or neglect sitting at your feet. I DON”T want to dutifully sit here JUST so I can spring up and do some worthy thing when “I” see a need arise. I willingly sit here because I need both eye's on you. I want to be caught up and swept away with who you are. I don't want to hear the crowd unless you deem it appropriate. I don't want to be swept away by what's expected. I certainly do not want to hear my own internal dialog; it is often immature, forgetful of truth and preoccupied with self. Teach me to live, for I do not know how, and teach me to serve from a place of unbroken, uninterrupted fellowship.
"Behold as the eyes of servants look unto the hand of their masters... so our eyes wait upon the Lord our God" (Psalm 123:2).