We had spent the morning together but we were now dispersed doing our own things. I was checking E-mail and looking up a bill for My “D, D, Dandelion husband”. Rain-man (son #2) was outside carving his box car for the Grand Prix Awana race. Last I checked G-money, (son #3) was watering our orange tree. All is well or so I thought. It amazes me how quickly things can happen with a mother totally unawares.
G-money comes to me teary eyed holding up bloody hands and proceeds to tell me very calmly how Rain-man accidentally cut him while carving. I rush Mr. bloody to the bathroom, leaving a trail of blood droplets behind us. I grabbed a washcloth and begin mopping up the blood so I could locate the source. I was unable to see a cut, that is, until I saw the blood soaked, soggy band aid. Once I got the bleeding under wraps I asked again, “what happened?” G say's in his most forgiving voice, “I was watching Rainen carve his car and he accidentally cut me” “Don't get mad at him mom, it really was an accident.” Very interesting coming from the child who usually describes injuries be it an accident or intentional as “He did it on purpose!” About this time Rainen comes in. I jumped the gun and began to scold him for a lack of knife safety and for carving while Gabriel was so near, when he pipes up, “Mom, I didn't do it.”
In an instant all the pieces came together for me. With the picture assembled I could see that Gabriel had his sneak on. He had snuck a knife from Uriah's room and was doing a bit of his own carving when he gashed his thumb. He knew he wasn't supposed to be using knives so he then snuck in to put on his own bandaid. His efforts to hide what he did were not adequate. It was not until his hands were filled with blood that he decided it was necessary to ask for help. Even upon asking for help he wasn't ready for full disclosure. His attempts to hide his disobedience actually dug a deeper hole for him. It ended in a corrective clean up of heart and hand.
Need I say more? We are all intrinsically like this. I know it's an irritating fact, but it's true. We have a huge mortal wound inside of us or so many little nicks that we can't locate the source of blood. We try hard to cover it up, pretend it's not there, blame it on others. Try as we may, to cover it or fill it up, our attempts are insufficient and misguided.
Sometimes we need others to help bandage us because we cannot stop the blood flow ourselves. God's instruments of grace. There are those that are willing to help us, to get messy with us when we are in need. It is humbling to ask for help, especially when you have unintentionally made a habit of going it alone. Sometimes I just don't want to be around people, I want to go at my own pace.
Somedays I don't know I need help. Somedays I am just working through life and that is all I have strength for. I can't see beyond the people within my walls. My husband and my children...I am ever resting to give them the best of me.
Today a pressure valve was released with kindness. The build up was so great I melted and oozed all over the floor.
It happens. I sort the truth from lies. I say it out loud or write it and the power of the lies began to shrink.
I have been released the whole time only now I know it experientially a little more.
God is kind to me. He listens to me and quietly speaks truth to me till my sobs recede. Sometimes it is just me and God and other times He sends a willing ear to help me carry the burden.
I was thankful that today I had receptacles open to receive kindness. There are days I can see the sunshine from others, in others, and can even see a purposeful hand extended to me, but am myself unbelieving. I can be cold and numb and to inconvenienced to give or receive love. I don't think it is just because I am sick. I think it is magnified because I am sick. It's a part of me that wears a soggy bandaid. A part of me that God is cleaning up. A part of me I wish to surrender to God's graces. It will be a relief to know His life in this corner of my life!